Widows Support, Coaching for Widows

Why is dating (and I really mean dating, rather than settling in to a long term relationship) so important for a widow? Why shouldn’t she just go and find her second Mr. Right?

Well, think back to when you were sixteen. Or eighteen.

Or better yet – think about your daughters when they were teenagers. Do you remember what you wanted for them? I bet that you were not eager for them to fall in love with the first or second fellow they dated. I bet that you wanted them to take time, to have fun, to experience life, to learn what it was like to date all kinds of boys.

I have a fifteen-year-old daughter – and you had better believe that I want her to experience dating many boys before she latches on to one and settles down. Many. She may think she knows who she is (and most girls do think they are very self-aware) but as a grown up, you have a more mature perspective. You are able to see that she still has a great deal to learn about herself, about men, and about healthy relationship. You understand that she still needs to find herself.

She needs to experiment. She needs to figure out who she is, what kind of boy or man is right for her, and she needs to learn how to hold on to the essence of herself while she is in relationship before she makes any decision or commitment. And the way that she does this is to date around. (Notice that I did NOT say ‘sleep around’.)

The same holds true for you as a widow.

As a widow, you are changed. Everything about you changed the moment your husband died. Everything. What you used to enjoy, you may no longer enjoy. The friends you used had when you were part of a couple may no longer be the people with whom you choose to spend your time. The kind of man you used to find exciting may no longer excite you. Your sensitivities may have changed. Your values may have changed. Even your tastes may have changed.

When my husband died I began to paint my house – and what emerged was a home that was very different from the home that he and I had shared and decorated together. Not better, just different. The changes in my environment reflected the changes that were happening inside me. So in addition to doing the grief work that must be done, you need time to emerge as the new person you are becoming.

It takes a long time to get re-grounded in this new you. The discovery process takes time. This is one of the reasons my clients hire me.

When you are ready to date, (and the process of getting ready to date takes a good deal of time – don’t rush it) see it as a learning process, an experimentation, or an exploration.

Dating allows you to explore. You get to experiment with different activities…(I just went to my first baseball game fully expecting to be bored out of my mind – I was not!). You get to experiment with setting boundaries. (If you don’t want to kiss on the first, second, third, or fourth date – great! Tell him.) You get to experiment with different types of men. The strong silent type, good communicator, wears-his-heart-on-his sleeve, fun-loving, athletic, irreverent, blue collar, professorial, scientific…(my favorite).

Again, widowhood has changed you. So it stands to reason that the type of man you will want to be with has changed, at least a little. When we date we get to see ourselves reflected in the gentleman we choose, and we gradually learn who we are, what matters to us, and then, what kind of man we really want, rather that what kind of man we think we should want.

Eventually, after a significant period of dating and exploration, most women wake up one day and simply declare a moratorium on dating. They understand that they have learned what they needed to learn, and they are now ready for Mr. Right. They are no longer willing to date men simply to explore. When that happens, you will know who you are, who you want, and you will be ready to connect for real. You will be ready for commitment.

Mie Elmhirst. The Widow’s Coach

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.