Breakups
This past December, I hibernated. Actually I think it began sometime in October when I wasn’t paying attention. It lasted until January 3rd. Exactly. I did the basics; I kept our home, I cooked, I cleaned, I worked, I taught Anneke to drive, (Go left! No go right! Watch Out! GO STRAIGHT!) (Poor child…) I took walks and I knitted. I wrote nothing, not even a blog. I was thoroughly uninspired.
I expected very little of myself. I gave myself a vacation from “being all I could be”, to borrow a phrase from the Army. I was far less than I could be.
I was recovering from a broken heart. All in all, it took me about 10 weeks and about 48 hundred boxes of Kleenexes, lots of rehashing, re-thinking, and friends.
It was my first since Mike died, and apparently it was time once again for me to be pathetic. And, I was pathetic. Out came the slippers, the spoon, and the Ben and Jerry’s. No bowl. I may sound rather quip-ish here, but it was ugly. It was so ugly that Anneke got me a mug for Christmas that said something about running into one’s ex… with a car. She obviously meant it in jest, for she liked him, but I can’t help thinking that it was not as much about how I might feel as it was about was how she felt as I wept into my OJ while Christmas carols blared from the radio.
The truth is he did nothing wrong. He just decided that I was not quite what he was looking for and although I have unfortunately come to understand the thinking of a stalker, I also understand his point of view. How could I not understand? Haven’t we all been in that same situation at least once? It is the risk we take when we look for love. No blame. No blame.
So…I have learned.
- I CAN fall in love. (And so can you..)
- I can survive a break-up. (And so can you…)
- I am not as smart as I think I am. I am capable of making the very same mistakes I counsel others not to make.
- I may have to take the class I teach…
- And…
- Being widowed opens us up like open-heart surgery and exposes our core, our heart to the elements. The only good thing that I can see about this (at least today in my newly recovered state) is that we develop an almost instant access to our feelings. We feel deeply and clearly. Commercials make us cry. A beautiful sunset makes us both laugh and cry. The sight of many stars on a subzero night hurts. And love can feel both wonderful and awful.
This is not a bad thing.
As I was nursing myself back, I realized, in the middle of a holding-my-belly moment, that I felt a certain sense of satisfaction.
I had done it. I had really let someone in!! And although my lesser self protested “Never again!!! This is it!! I have had it!! This stinks!!” I knew that in time, I would again welcome someone in. Maybe a little more cautiously, or a bit more wisely, but I will.
On January 3rd, 2010 I renewed my vow to love again. Amen.
Mie Elmhirst The Widows Coach
Help for widows. 508-540-4421 for a sample coaching session.
