Help for Widows – Not Knowing
I fell this morning.
It began as I stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes. I turned to the right to watch my puppy Bear rip apart a toilet paper roll that I had smeared inside with peanut butter to make it more desirable than my pant leg. Which up until then had been her chew toy of choice.
I was wearing Anneke’s crocs and that is important only because they are made out of a very hard rubber, probably recycled automobile tires. They don’t turn well on linoleum, or at least not with me in them and as my body turned and my feet did not, I felt myself tilt, slowly and unnaturally, to the right.
I don’t go down without a fight, so when my feet finally unstuck from the floor I began a clumsy galloping across the kitchen. My head lead the rest of my body by about a foot, and as I unwillingly entered the dining area, still galloping but a lot closer to the ground, I heard my inner voice say something like “I am not going down I am NOT going down…dammit I WILL NOT go down…”
I could not abort the descent.
I connected loudly with the dining room table. Bear barked a prolonged high-pitched alert that was as startling as the noise made by three of my dining room chairs as they hit the ground with me.
No one heard of course, and as I lay taking stock Bear quieted down and decided that this episode was just a prelude to play, finally happy to have me at her level. She jumped on my side, nipping playfully. She is no Lassie.
Slowly and carefully I stood up. There were no broken bones. My right hip took a bit of a hit but thankfully it is well-padded and although my right shoulder doesn’t feel quite normal I am sure that whatever was slightly stretched will regenerate in a day or so. I am not worried. Mostly, I was stunned.
And when I calmed down, as most widows will understand, I began with the “what ifs”.
What if I had broken my wrist, or my hip or even my vertebra?
What if I had fractured my SKULL?
Is fifty-six too young for Lifeline? You know, those little things you wear around your neck that make “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” less deadly.
My father refuses Lifeline saying it is for old people. He is 87.
I guess it would look bad if I had one and he didn’t.
I know that I am not the only widow that understands this element of having once had a spouse and then not.
The first time I had a cold, one of those bronchial, lots of phlegm colds that make even your best friends run in the opposite direction, I deeply felt the loss of that person who cared enough to bring me soup, and then, of course, gleefully order take out for himself. What if I coughed myself to death in the middle of the night?
I have a good friend, a bit older than I, who emails her other good friend every day, at 7 AM, just for security. If the email is not answered within 15 minutes, it is followed by a phone call. etc.
No, I am a fit, healthy woman and obviously not ready for lifeline or even an email pal. I enjoy dating, but I do not have a forever partner. Although I am really beginning to wonder, I just can’t imagine that this gorgeous, bright hunk-a-female will be on her own for the next 25 years.
Yet, I am also a realist and the statistics are abundantly clear. Women out number men. By how much, I am not interested in knowing, but I think it doesn’t bode well.
My plan all along has been to have a partner. Not a marriage partner, but a partner.
But lately, every once in a while, I remember that my plan is not always THE plan. Even disregarding the statistics, I am pathetically picky.
What is hard for me and I know for many of you, is that we don’t have a crystal ball, we don’t know what lies ahead and for women who have suffered trauma and the resulting deep sense of insecurity, we sometimes feel strongly the need to KNOW, especially, the unknowable.
I am so very tired of the phrase “living in the moment”, probably because I am ridiculously bad at it.
But isn’t that the ultimate challenge? To accept the gifts that come our way, without always trying to manage or change them. To be grateful for what is rather ungrateful for what is not. As I write this I realize how much I have grown, and, how much I still have to learn.
For now, no broken bones, one chair that needs re-gluing, a puppy useless in an emergency but full of love, crocs that will be used in the garden and not in the kitchen and good friends, both male and female who care, and if I can get to the phone, would be here in minutes.
Blessings, Mie Elmhirst
Coaching and Help for Widows.
Cal 508-540-4421 for a sample (free) coaching session.
