Widows Support, Coaching for Widows

When a wonderful woman eventually who became my client was considering hiring me as her coach, she asked me an interesting question. She asked me about closure. Did such a thing exist after the loss of one’s husband? And saying goodbye. Did I think it necessary to say goodbye?
When I am asked a question such as this I usually refer back to my own experience of loss (my mother and my husband) and to what I have learned from my amazing clients.

Contrary to what many people who have suffered loss believe, there is such a thing as closure. However…. closure is not what many think it is; a neat and tidy wrap…an end of emotion, memories or love. Closure is not something that just happens. It is not instant happiness.

Closure is when we are at peace with our memories – the ones that feel good and the ones that don’t. Closure happens when our memories cease to rule us and cease to rule our behavior. It is when we can accept that we were at times terrific wives, and at times lousy wives. Closure is when we can accept that we made mistakes that hurt him…that we made mistakes that hurt ourselves. Closure is about acceptance of our husbands…who were sometimes unbelievably sweet and kind and generous – and sometimes, not. Closure means that we have come to terms with our marriages – what they were and what they were not. Closure is when we can go anywhere on earth without being afraid of the memories of our previous lives that are linked to that spot. Most importantly, closure means that we are willing and able to live in the present moment rather than the pain of the past – that we are free to discover what gifts await us. Closure is not something that I can ‘do’ or something that I can grab on to. It is the result of doing the work of grief.

The first two years after my husband Mike died were of course, the most difficult years of my life. I would have done ANYTHING to feel better. I begged God for relief. You know the feeling, right? Where you think you could drink radiator fluid if you thought that would help? The solution to these feelings, I decided, was to say good-bye. If I did that, I reasoned, I would be able to get on with my life.

Something concrete, I was sure, would put an end to my depression and sadness. I went to the lighthouse where he and I used to go and I read him a heart-felt letter of good-bye. Yet, a week later I was back to where I started. Still sad and lonely.

After a few more attempts during the next few years, (more letters, purging of his papers, walks where we used to spend time together…) I discovered that my multiple good-byes were just unsuccessful attempts to get rid of difficult feelings. Attempts at rushing a process that could not be rushed. They did not work. At least not in the way that I wanted them to work.

Yet, not to be deterred, I did not stop my good-byes. Periodically I felt the need again to say good-bye. What I eventually discovered was that little by little, these small good-byes were in fact useful. I was letting go of Mike, step by step. The goodbyes were not getting rid of pain – but they were little milestones. Each good-bye was an indication that I was willing to let go, even if only a little bit, of my surprisingly tight grip onto pain. My last good-bye I said with the loving guidance of my coach and it was my most most poignant goodbye. In my last goodbye I let Mike know that I was no longer going to turn to him for help – that I was going to release him. I asked him to continue to look out for our then 13 year old…she would still need him. I told him that I was OK and that I would now go for my spiritual help to God. Mike would now be free to help others as I knew he would want. I let Mike know that he no longer needed to worry about me. I told him that I was now ready for new love, a permanent relationship. I thanked him for his love.

The impact of this last letting go was electric. My life began to open up and, predictably, I became willing again to let go and love once again. I was finally willing to live fully again.

Where are you in this process? What is the work you have left to do? What still feels incomplete?

Mie Elmhirst, The Widow’s Coach

Coaching Support and Information for Widows

If you are serious about coaching, Click on contact to request a free consultation. I look forward to connecting.

Time to talk money.

Approximately seven months after my husband died I began in earnest (and unconsciously) to look for something outside of myself to make me feel better.

As in “I will do anything to get rid of this loneliness!” I swear to God I would have eaten nails if I thought it would have made me feel better. I was not alone in this as I was to discover in my coaching practice.

For some, this anything takes the form of overeating or alcohol or a new relationship. For others, it is shopping.

This blog posting is about the treacherous shoals of retail therapy, or “shopping with the primary purpose of improving the buyer’s mood or disposition”. (Wikipedia)

Of course there is nothing wrong with shopping. I have done some of my best mother-daughter bonding in the juniors department at Macy’s. Yet when we overspend, (spend money we don’t have or spend money that is earmarked for something else), or spend for the wrong reasons, the result is not what we might have hoped for. With the exception perhaps of those very few moments immediately before and after the purchase (we all have appreciated this shopper’s high at least once), shopping for the sake of shopping will not make us feel better. The bigger the purchase, the bigger the hole in the wallet and the greater the hole in the soul.

I know this is true. I own a fire-engine-red-fake-suede office chair that is no more reflective of who I am than a leopard print teddie. Yet at that moment, standing in Jordan’s Furniture, all alone and surrounded by the latest in seating, I had to have that chair. And, I was absolutely positive that it would make me a better coach, make me happier, and that it would make me forget that my husband had died.

I have learned to spend consciously. It is not that I don’t have the money – I do. However, when I spend money with the expectation that I will feel better the whole venture backfires and I end up feeling worse. And I end up with just another ‘thing’ to add to my collection of ‘things’.

So.

1. Can I afford it?
2. Can I survive without it?
3. What do I expect to feel after the purchase and is this expectation realistic?
4. In one year will I be happy that I spent my money on this item?

As you can see, I do know what it feels like to want to spend money just for the sake of spending it. And, while I don’t avoid it completely, I have adopted these behaviors:

1. When the mood hits, I head for the dollar store or the Gap, but not Saks Fifth Avenue.
2. I save receipts.
3. I don’t take the tags off for at least a week unless I wear it.

It took me that long to see that the gauze tie-died midi-skirt did not flatter me, regardless of what the sales girl said.

Spending money is not bad. It just doesn’t heal what hurts. How to heal what hurts? Talk. Talk some more. And then again. Talk to the people who can really hear you without making you wrong, or sick, or just plain weird.

Please  click  ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.

Mie Elmhirst, The Widow’s Coach. Support for Widows

Why is dating (and I really mean dating, rather than settling in to a long term relationship) so important for a widow? Why shouldn’t she just go and find her second Mr. Right?

Well, think back to when you were sixteen. Or eighteen.

Or better yet – think about your daughters when they were teenagers. Do you remember what you wanted for them? I bet that you were not eager for them to fall in love with the first or second fellow they dated. I bet that you wanted them to take time, to have fun, to experience life, to learn what it was like to date all kinds of boys.

I have a fifteen-year-old daughter – and you had better believe that I want her to experience dating many boys before she latches on to one and settles down. Many. She may think she knows who she is (and most girls do think they are very self-aware) but as a grown up, you have a more mature perspective. You are able to see that she still has a great deal to learn about herself, about men, and about healthy relationship. You understand that she still needs to find herself.

She needs to experiment. She needs to figure out who she is, what kind of boy or man is right for her, and she needs to learn how to hold on to the essence of herself while she is in relationship before she makes any decision or commitment. And the way that she does this is to date around. (Notice that I did NOT say ‘sleep around’.)

The same holds true for you as a widow.

As a widow, you are changed. Everything about you changed the moment your husband died. Everything. What you used to enjoy, you may no longer enjoy. The friends you used had when you were part of a couple may no longer be the people with whom you choose to spend your time. The kind of man you used to find exciting may no longer excite you. Your sensitivities may have changed. Your values may have changed. Even your tastes may have changed.

When my husband died I began to paint my house – and what emerged was a home that was very different from the home that he and I had shared and decorated together. Not better, just different. The changes in my environment reflected the changes that were happening inside me. So in addition to doing the grief work that must be done, you need time to emerge as the new person you are becoming.

It takes a long time to get re-grounded in this new you. The discovery process takes time. This is one of the reasons my clients hire me.

When you are ready to date, (and the process of getting ready to date takes a good deal of time – don’t rush it) see it as a learning process, an experimentation, or an exploration.

Dating allows you to explore. You get to experiment with different activities…(I just went to my first baseball game fully expecting to be bored out of my mind – I was not!). You get to experiment with setting boundaries. (If you don’t want to kiss on the first, second, third, or fourth date – great! Tell him.) You get to experiment with different types of men. The strong silent type, good communicator, wears-his-heart-on-his sleeve, fun-loving, athletic, irreverent, blue collar, professorial, scientific…(my favorite).

Again, widowhood has changed you. So it stands to reason that the type of man you will want to be with has changed, at least a little. When we date we get to see ourselves reflected in the gentleman we choose, and we gradually learn who we are, what matters to us, and then, what kind of man we really want, rather that what kind of man we think we should want.

Eventually, after a significant period of dating and exploration, most women wake up one day and simply declare a moratorium on dating. They understand that they have learned what they needed to learn, and they are now ready for Mr. Right. They are no longer willing to date men simply to explore. When that happens, you will know who you are, who you want, and you will be ready to connect for real. You will be ready for commitment.

Mie Elmhirst. The Widow’s Coach

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.