Widows Support, Coaching for Widows

Today’s writing is for those of you who are dating. Or, at least, trying to date. Or wanting to date…or thinking about dating…Or for those of you who gave up dating because it was to frustrating.

There is one Huge Mistake most widows make. And it is Huge. Widows (and I include myself here) make this mistake over and over again and often don’t know that they are making it. It took me a good few false starts to figure it out. Now I don’t profess to be THE expert on dating, but I have learned a thing or two from observing others and from doing my own very personal, sometimes funny and sometimes tragic, research.

I have come to  understand the basics and I can make you a promise.

If you can avoid this Huge Mistake, your dating career will be quite happy and lots of fun.

Here it is, the Huge Mistake.

Women don’t pay attention.

A man will show you who he is very quickly. He will show you by talking about his children, his late or ex-wife, he will show you who he is by how he treats the people you encounter on your date. He will show you who he is by how he treats money. (Does he complain?) He will show you who he is by how he handles it when you let him know that you are not comfortable going to his house or having him come to yours. (Is he respectful of your boundaries?)  He will show you who he is by his outlook on the world in general. Does he see it as a friendly place or is he at war? (With his boss, other drivers, family…) Does he like what he does or is he in a job that he hates but does nothing to remedy?

Men show us every minute who they are.

Rather than seeing him as a project, someone to be helped, we we must pay attention to who he is today. Because, that is who he is.

If he is distracted, on a date, pay attention. He is someone who is not present. You should not have to work to make him present.

If he is late, pay attention. He may not really care that much one way or another how the date goes.

If he expects you to pay half, pay attention. This man may not be generous in other ways.

Women so much want a date to work out that they often pretend that these things don’t really matter, or that the traffic was bad or he forgot his credit card, or he had a bad day at the office.

If there is something that gives you a funny feeling in your tummy, Pay Attention. Your intuition is telling you something.  And intuition is never wrong. We may interpret it wrongly, but the feeling is not wrong.

When we pay attention, we ask ourselves, “are these qualities that I see in this man the qualities that I want in my life?”

If he is kind to the waitress, gives you his attention, is curious about you and well as forthcoming about himself, again, pay attention. It doesn’t guarantee the outcome you want, but the chances are better for a fun date.

I have made my share of ‘put the blinders on’ mistakes. Three years ago I met a really nice man and we began dating. The only thing that sort of bugged me was that we split the cost of every date, although it was clear that he was a good deal wealthier than I.

Now I am a boomer, born in 1953, and I experienced the 60’s and 70’s. And I learned there that women and men should have equal rights. So, I thought to myself, sure I can pay. Why not? I am equal, right? (I can hear all of you smarter women groaning…)

Anyhow, time passed, and my very feminine need to be protected and cared for raised its head…and I realized that I wasn’t feeling it from Mr. College Professor. (He, by the way, was not unhappy with the arrangement!) But I was unhappy. And I realized that each date, each time that he did not step up to the plate, I was becoming more unhappy. It wasn’t about the money. It was about my need to feel protected and cared for.

How we treat money is reflective of who we are. He was not a generous with money, nor was he generous of spirit.

And, if I had paid attention to my gut on date #1, when we split the cost of dinner and he was obviously thrilled and I was not, I would have said something like “thank you for the lovely date but I think we are not a good match”. And we would not have had to go through a break up after 3-4 months, I would not have caused him pain or myself unnecessary pain.

That mistake took some of the fun out of dating.

You may ask, why didn’t I just talk to him about the money thing? Well, if it had just been money, I would have. But it was bigger than money. How we are with our money is how we are in our lives. (The subject for a future blog!)

Now, I pay close attention now to how men talk about money and how they treat their money. I pay attention when my gut says “no” and I pay attention when my gut says “yes”.

Why don’t we women pay attention to who men are? One big reason is that women don’t like dating. We women want to find Mr. Right and we don’t want to have to date much to get him. So we find Mr. OK and try to make him into Mr. Right.

Nuff said…for now.

Blessings and Happy Dating, Mie   The widows Coach

The next Widows Dating Again tele-class starts after the New Year. I am waiting to hear from you. It will be on Wednesdays.

Click on “Widows and Dating” to the right for the tele-class description.

Either 6 AM, Noon, or 6 PM EST

The timing is up to you.

The first few women who email me with a preference will set the time.

There will be a limited number of slots.

Within a week I will send out an email with the time.

The Coffee Obsession

Every morning at 6:00, while Anneke was still asleep in her bed, I locked up the house went next door to the coffee shop for 45 minutes.

When I was in the coffee shop the dishes in my sink and the unfolded laundry didn’t bother me and my dog Debs didn’t beg for hugs. In the Coffee Obsession I was anonymous, no one talked to me, no one wanted me. Sometimes I spent the 45 minutes writing, and some times I spent it staring and wondering how it could possibly be that I was a widow, sure that there had to be a cut off date.

The same people came to the coffee shop every day. Just like me, they came to wake up, and just like me, they were not interested in conversation. A smile and a short good morning recognized that we were all there for the same reason, to be alone among others.

They were my coffee buddies, whoever they were.

When Anneke reached 7th grade she started to get up earlier so I had to change my routine. I could not get to the coffee shop until 7:00 AM.

But at 7:00 AM, the coffee shop was different. No longer were grumpy patrons hunched over their coffees. By 7:00 AM, people were talking; newspapers crinkled, and real conversations could be overheard, cheerful conversations.

I was not happy. The 6:00 AM coffee shop was my refuge. The 7:00 AM coffee shop, social and animated, was torture. Alone at 6:00 AM had been acceptable. Everyone was alone. But alone at 7:00 AM meant I was really alone, no friends and no husband.

A lot of widowhood is about creating safe spaces for our new widowed selves. We look for spaces where we can be who we are without any pressure to be happier than we are, or even to be sadder than we are. Old relationships may no longer support us but new relationships have not yet happened.

I hear from clients how they switch churches, or move to new towns.

Me, I moved to a new table in my coffee shop.

I was about to abandon my coffee shop for good, when one morning one 7:00 regular beckoned me to his table. Insistently, he waved me over to join him. What could I do but move?  I was grateful that I was no longer so obviously alone, and yet everything changed. Now I needed to make conversation. It was painful but I managed, pretending that I wasn’t who was, that I wasn’t a widow.  More people gathered, and as more were added, I thankfully needed to talk less.

The next day I was invited over again, and then the next day and the next. As I became more comfortable, I began to anticipate my morning coffee group and after many months this new table became my table and the people became my friends. They were a motley crew of contractors, a massage therapist, a potter, a ferryboat captain, an attorney, a scientist, retirees, and me. And, an occasional visitor from out of town.

Now, three years later, this group still begins my day, five days a week. It is now My Coffee Group. While I mourned the loss of my 6:00 peaceful ruminations, I love my coffee buddies. They matter to me. And they love me back. I make them laugh, they make me laugh, and although no one talks about it, we are community. This group was the beginning of my new community.

Always, we widows must be aware of our need for community. We may deny our need for a while, when pain and loss are so enormous, but eventually, we must connect with our community.

What are you doing, wonderful widow, to reconnect?

Mie Elmhirst CPCC PPC Professional Certified Coach

Help for Widows

For a sample coaching session, please call 508-540-4421.

Help for widows

The Widow’s Coach