Widows Support, Coaching for Widows

Ahhh, Valentines Day.

I had a blind date set for tomorrow… but thankfully, when he realized that it was Valentines Day (both of us were clueless) he balked at the prospect of standing in line surrounded by couples gazing into each other’s eyes. I am so grateful for his foresight and we are meeting today instead.

Valentines Day is so memory laden!

Mike gave me my first cell phone on Valentines Day. In those days they were ‘car phones’. The package was huge because car phones came in briefcases way back then…and as I held it, wondering why he put my earrings in such a large box, he dialed the number from the house phone. Of course when the still-wrapped package rang, he practically danced a jig at this amazing piece of technology, positive that I was as excited as he. While I kissed him in gratitude I quietly wondered why on earth I needed a telephone in my car. The next snowstorm gave me my answer.

Then there was the year we were tight for cash and decided no gifts. I was fine with our agreement.  But the ladies who worked for Mike convinced him that I really didn’t mean it and that if he came home gift-free, he would pay. And pay, and pay and pay…

So at 5:00 on Valentines Day he stopped at the florist on the way home from work and bought the last piece of flora in stock. It was the hugest, greenest, and most magnificent exotic plant available on Cape Cod in the dead of winter. I swear it was bigger than me. Heck, it was bigger than our dining room and I used a Radio Flyer Wagon to wheel it from room as I searched for its final destination.  I think Mike took out a second mortgage to afford it. Of course, I had nothing for him and I quietly cursed the ladies.

Then there was the year of the Sea horse earrings that were so long they practically reached my armpits and I couldn’t turn my head without lifting them…he had my daughter pick them out. She was four.

And the year of the dolphin earrings…she picked them out also.

The year of the lighthouse earrings…. yes, Anneke again. Obviously too young to understand diamonds.

Ahhh Valentines Day. Memories so sweet.

At first, I could not think of past years without a searing pain through my heart.

But now, when I share these memories with Anneke, we laugh. She loves to hear, and I love to tell her. No pain. Just a simple joy at remembering that we were very human beings doing our best.

Mie Elmhirst

Coach for Widows

Call 508-540-4421 for a sample coaching session.

I fell this morning.

It began as I stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes. I turned to the right to watch my puppy Bear rip apart a toilet paper roll that I had smeared inside with peanut butter to make it more desirable than my pant leg. Which up until then had been her chew toy of choice.

I was wearing Anneke’s crocs and that is important only because they are made out of a very hard rubber, probably recycled automobile tires. They don’t turn well on linoleum, or at least not with me in them and as my body turned and my feet did not, I felt myself tilt, slowly and unnaturally, to the right.

I don’t go down without a fight, so when my feet finally unstuck from the floor I began a clumsy galloping across the kitchen. My head lead the rest of my body by about a foot, and as I unwillingly entered the dining area, still galloping but a lot closer to the ground, I heard my inner voice say something like “I am not going down I am NOT going down…dammit I WILL NOT go down…”

I could not abort the descent.

I connected loudly with the dining room table. Bear barked a prolonged high-pitched alert that was as startling as the noise made by three of my dining room chairs as they hit the ground with me.

No one heard of course, and as I lay taking stock Bear quieted down and decided that this episode was just a prelude to play, finally happy to have me at her level. She jumped on my side, nipping playfully. She is no Lassie.

Slowly and carefully I stood up. There were no broken bones.  My right hip took a bit of a hit but thankfully it is well-padded and although my right shoulder doesn’t feel quite normal I am sure that whatever was slightly stretched will regenerate in a day or so.  I am not worried. Mostly, I was stunned.

And when I calmed down, as most widows will understand, I began with the “what ifs”.

What if I had broken my wrist, or my hip or even my vertebra?

What if I had fractured my SKULL?

Is fifty-six too young for Lifeline? You know, those little things you wear around your neck that make “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” less deadly.

My father refuses Lifeline saying it is for old people. He is 87.

I guess it would look bad if I had one and he didn’t.

I know that I am not the only widow that understands this element of having once had a spouse and then not.

The first time I had a cold, one of those bronchial, lots of phlegm colds that make even your best friends run in the opposite direction, I deeply felt the loss of that person who cared enough to bring me soup, and then, of course, gleefully order take out for himself.  What if I coughed myself to death in the middle of the night?

I have a good friend, a bit older than I, who emails her other good friend every day, at 7 AM, just for security. If the email is not answered within 15 minutes, it is followed by a phone call. etc.

No, I am a fit, healthy woman and obviously not ready for lifeline or even an email pal. I enjoy dating, but I do not have a forever partner.  Although I am really beginning to wonder, I just can’t imagine that this gorgeous, bright hunk-a-female will be on her own for the next 25 years.

Yet, I am also a realist and the statistics are abundantly clear. Women out number men. By how much, I am not interested in knowing, but I think it doesn’t bode well.

My plan all along has been to have a partner. Not a marriage partner, but a partner.

But lately, every once in a while, I remember that my plan is not always THE plan.  Even disregarding the statistics, I am pathetically picky.

What is hard for me and I know for many of you, is that we don’t have a crystal ball, we don’t know what lies ahead and for women who have suffered trauma and the resulting deep sense of insecurity, we sometimes feel strongly the need to KNOW, especially, the unknowable.

I am so very tired of the phrase “living in the moment”, probably because I am ridiculously bad at it.

But isn’t that the ultimate challenge? To accept the gifts that come our way, without always trying to manage or change them. To be grateful for what is rather ungrateful for what is not. As I write this I realize how much I have grown, and, how much I still have to learn.

For now, no broken bones, one chair that needs re-gluing, a puppy useless in an emergency but full of love, crocs that will be used in the garden and not in the kitchen and good friends, both male and female who care, and if I can get to the phone, would be here in minutes.

Blessings, Mie Elmhirst

Coaching and Help for Widows.

Cal 508-540-4421 for a sample (free) coaching session.

I am trying to write this week’s blog with my new puppy at my feet. She demands instead, that I instead pay attention to her. I pick up one of her many balls and roll it, encouraging her to “gogettheball”. She just waits.  Instead she wants my pant leg. And since I am wearing the last pair of pants without itty-bitty puppy teeth marks in it, I cannot ignore her. I get down on the floor and play. Little Bear asks little of me; she wants to cuddle, play fetch and hopefully, get a treat. The treat I give her is the same puppy food that she gets three times a day but it seems that eating it out of my hand instead of her bowl makes it better. Like when Anneke and I eat pizza on the floor in front of the fireplace. Its just better that eating it at the dining room table.

So, I love my puppy. I know this. I will do anything for her. I loved her the moment I laid my eyes on her. But of course, for most of us, a puppy is not enough. We are social beings. Most of us want some sort of companionship.

How do you know if what you feel for your man is love? You know that it is better than that bone-crushing loneliness you had before you met him.

But is it love? Or is settling, or obsession, or a diversion?

Rather than asking yourself how you feel about him, please ask yourself the most important question of all.

How do you feel about yourself when you are with him.

Do you feel marvelous? Happy to be you? Appreciated and celebrated?

Or do you feel slightly on edge? Anxious. Like you have to prove something. Maybe  you feel that you are just a little bit less than who he wants. Maybe you should wear different clothes or maybe lose a couple of pounds…Or maybe, and this is really a bad thing, he lets you know in a vague sort of way that you don’t quite satisfy him the way a better or sexier woman could. Talk about a spirit killer.  It is mean and cruel, and yet women put up with it.

Do you remember the movie Murphy’s Romance? I saw this movie in 1985, and even back then, with little dating experience, its very simple lesson made sense. Of course I had no idea that it would be useful to me now, in my fifties.

Sally Field’s character becomes friends with an mature, older, and respectful man played by James Garner and eventually there flows an attraction between them.  Yet, when her smooth talking, immature ex-husband returns, she allows him to move in with her again.  He is disruptive and creates chaos in her life as he simultaneously, preys on her sympathies and emotions.

James Garner’s character, watching this transpire, finally has enough and lets her go saying something like ‘when you are ready for a real man… let me know’.

What is a real man? And, is the man you are with, a real man?

This is what I absolutely know about men and real men..

If, when you are with him you feel great about who you are, he is probably a real man. He wants you to feel good. He celebrates this.

If his actions, not just his words, are honest and respectful at all times, then he is probably a real man.

And if, at the same time he also pays attention to his own needs, (he respects himself), He is a Real Man. Pay close attention to this man.

Oi Vey. I finally get it. At 56 years old, I understand the difference between a man playing at being a man, and a real man.

The biggest danger for a widow is that she accepts less that she deserves. Sadly, I did this myself and called it love, and I know a good number of you have done the same. I know this because I speak to you almost every day.

Please call me for a sample coaching session. You have a chance, again, to ask for  and expect…the best.

Warmly, Mie Elmhirst  508-540-4421

The Widow’s Coach

Widows Dating Again Teleclasses…call 508-540-4421

Today’s writing is for those of you who are dating. Or, at least, trying to date. Or wanting to date…or thinking about dating…Or for those of you who gave up dating because it was to frustrating.

There is one Huge Mistake most widows make. And it is Huge. Widows (and I include myself here) make this mistake over and over again and often don’t know that they are making it. It took me a good few false starts to figure it out. Now I don’t profess to be THE expert on dating, but I have learned a thing or two from observing others and from doing my own very personal, sometimes funny and sometimes tragic, research.

I have come to  understand the basics and I can make you a promise.

If you can avoid this Huge Mistake, your dating career will be quite happy and lots of fun.

Here it is, the Huge Mistake.

Women don’t pay attention.

A man will show you who he is very quickly. He will show you by talking about his children, his late or ex-wife, he will show you who he is by how he treats the people you encounter on your date. He will show you who he is by how he treats money. (Does he complain?) He will show you who he is by how he handles it when you let him know that you are not comfortable going to his house or having him come to yours. (Is he respectful of your boundaries?)  He will show you who he is by his outlook on the world in general. Does he see it as a friendly place or is he at war? (With his boss, other drivers, family…) Does he like what he does or is he in a job that he hates but does nothing to remedy?

Men show us every minute who they are.

Rather than seeing him as a project, someone to be helped, we we must pay attention to who he is today. Because, that is who he is.

If he is distracted, on a date, pay attention. He is someone who is not present. You should not have to work to make him present.

If he is late, pay attention. He may not really care that much one way or another how the date goes.

If he expects you to pay half, pay attention. This man may not be generous in other ways.

Women so much want a date to work out that they often pretend that these things don’t really matter, or that the traffic was bad or he forgot his credit card, or he had a bad day at the office.

If there is something that gives you a funny feeling in your tummy, Pay Attention. Your intuition is telling you something.  And intuition is never wrong. We may interpret it wrongly, but the feeling is not wrong.

When we pay attention, we ask ourselves, “are these qualities that I see in this man the qualities that I want in my life?”

If he is kind to the waitress, gives you his attention, is curious about you and well as forthcoming about himself, again, pay attention. It doesn’t guarantee the outcome you want, but the chances are better for a fun date.

I have made my share of ‘put the blinders on’ mistakes. Three years ago I met a really nice man and we began dating. The only thing that sort of bugged me was that we split the cost of every date, although it was clear that he was a good deal wealthier than I.

Now I am a boomer, born in 1953, and I experienced the 60’s and 70’s. And I learned there that women and men should have equal rights. So, I thought to myself, sure I can pay. Why not? I am equal, right? (I can hear all of you smarter women groaning…)

Anyhow, time passed, and my very feminine need to be protected and cared for raised its head…and I realized that I wasn’t feeling it from Mr. College Professor. (He, by the way, was not unhappy with the arrangement!) But I was unhappy. And I realized that each date, each time that he did not step up to the plate, I was becoming more unhappy. It wasn’t about the money. It was about my need to feel protected and cared for.

How we treat money is reflective of who we are. He was not a generous with money, nor was he generous of spirit.

And, if I had paid attention to my gut on date #1, when we split the cost of dinner and he was obviously thrilled and I was not, I would have said something like “thank you for the lovely date but I think we are not a good match”. And we would not have had to go through a break up after 3-4 months, I would not have caused him pain or myself unnecessary pain.

That mistake took some of the fun out of dating.

You may ask, why didn’t I just talk to him about the money thing? Well, if it had just been money, I would have. But it was bigger than money. How we are with our money is how we are in our lives. (The subject for a future blog!)

Now, I pay close attention now to how men talk about money and how they treat their money. I pay attention when my gut says “no” and I pay attention when my gut says “yes”.

Why don’t we women pay attention to who men are? One big reason is that women don’t like dating. We women want to find Mr. Right and we don’t want to have to date much to get him. So we find Mr. OK and try to make him into Mr. Right.

Nuff said…for now.

Blessings and Happy Dating, Mie   The widows Coach

The next Widows Dating Again tele-class starts after the New Year. I am waiting to hear from you. It will be on Wednesdays.

Click on “Widows and Dating” to the right for the tele-class description.

Either 6 AM, Noon, or 6 PM EST

The timing is up to you.

The first few women who email me with a preference will set the time.

There will be a limited number of slots.

Within a week I will send out an email with the time.

You Believe You Are Ready to Date… but…

Learn the important things to know about dating – from the comfort of your living room.

Who is this telephone class for?

• For you if you are finally ready to talk about dating…
• For you if you have begun to date and can’t figure out why  a good man is so hard to find!!! (It is really not all that hard if you know a few secrets…)
• For you if you have waited a long time and now you are just scared.
• For you if you are interested in learning more about Internet Dating with other widows…
• For you if you just want some hand holding.
• For you if you just find the whole topic daunting…
• And most importantly, for you if you are ready for some Fun and Laughter!

When: Next Class begins  Jan 6th, 2010. It runs  every other Wednesday 7:00 PM-8:00 PM EST for 3 sessions. Jan 6th, 20th and Feb. 3rd.

How do I sign up? : This class will be over the telephone – a teleclass. When you call (508-540-4421) to sign up I will give you the conference call number, and teleclass instructions.

How much: $150 payable by check, Paypal or credit card prior to the first class. Payment will save you a space.

What will you get? Handouts, How to’s, homework, (now don’t get nervous…) support, and LOTS of information. The Real Deal.

If you are a widow, CALL 508-540-4421. Or, contact me through this website and let me know that you are interested. I will call you back to confirm. Please sign up early – space will be limited.

You will find that this time well spent – and you will wish you took the class years ago!

Multiple classes will be scheduled if needed.

Five participants Maximum.

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.

Mie Elmhirst, The Widows Coach

And now, back to one of my favorite topics, (and I know most of you will agree with me), men!

I am unendingly fascinated. I am intrigued by both the nature of men and by the nature of women and I am amazed at how we women continue to resist accepting the very obvious differences. (I include myself here.)

Many of my clients are widows who are returning to dating after a 25-30 year marriage. If women want to date and enter into new relationships successfully, they MUST be ready to acknowledge the differences between men and women.

Men are not like women. They are built differently, they think differently and they act differently. (Thank goodness…who really wants her man to be a woman?) You may think that this is obvious, right? Yet we women often look to our men to react as we ourselves do. We want them to be sensitive, to want to talk about the relationship, and we want them to show us that they understand us.

Forget about it.

Now I can hear a good number of you saying, “Not true! My husband was a wonderful conversationalist and listener and loved talking about the relationship…”

Good for you. But trust me – you are in the minority.

If we assume that men think and react as we women think and react, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Men do not think like we do, most of the time they don’t enjoy talking like we do, and if we try to change them, if we try to get them to think and act like we do, we will be frustrated, they will be frustrated and our relationship will not be supported.

Men have much to offer a relationship. But our strengths are not theirs and their strengths are not ours.

If we ask our man to talk, especially about the relationship, it is like asking him to speak Taiwanese. He might try to fake it because he knows how important it is to us, but it will be just that. Faking it. It has nothing to do with how he cares about us. Talking like a woman is not in his skill set. And, if he could talk like a woman, I am pretty sure that we would not be interested in him! We want a man.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t get to talk about our relationship – but rather than going to him and asking him to do what he can’t or doesn’t want to do, we are better off going to our girlfriend. Or better yet, our Life Coach! We don’t have to deny our need to talk. We just need make a better choice and go to someone who is as good at it as we are.

A year or so ago I watched a PBS special that beautifully addressed the differences between the female brain and the male brain. And there were even MRI scans to back up their claims.

Men are not naturally empathetic. Although there may be a few men who are, and another few who can adequately fake it, women have a much larger ‘empathy center’ in their brains. It is why we are the first to make chicken soup, react to a baby’s cry, and cry at commercials. Women are more global their thinking, more intuitive, and easily overwhelmed. We are easily overwhelmed because our ability to think globally allows us to see all of the difficulties and ramifications in a situation. Hence – overwhelm.

Men are generally (not always) more competitive, one-problem-at-a-time oriented; they are able to separate themselves from problems more than women. When faced with a problem, women with think it over, talk it over, and share it with others before arriving at a solution. Men will be compelled to offer a solution, and quickly.

What does this mean for relationships?

The first thing it means is that we need to go to men for the things they are good at. Among many things, they care for us, protect us, fix things, solve problems in a wonderfully linear fashion, and smell good. (And a whole lot more…) But talking about relationships, especially theirs, is not what they like to do and is not what they are good at.

Just like women need conversation, men need appreciation. And they need it from their woman. So, rather than focus on what he can’t give us, (female-like conversation and understanding) we get to appreciate what he does bring to the relationship.

Don’t go to Bloomingdales for milk. Go to Bloomingdales for clothing and Stop & Shop for milk.
Go to men for the richness of what they have to offer. They will be happy and feel appreciated.

And go to your friends, or your life coach, for the rest.

Mie Elmhirst.  The Widow’s Coach

Last night was the start of 4th Widows Dating Again Teleclass. We had fun, some really good belly laughs, and lots of stimulating conversation. I was struck again by how lucky I am to be able to work with this community of young widows.

Because online dating is so enormous, (it is the easiest way to meet like-minded men) I will share just a few tips on writing a really good, attention grabbing profile. For the full dose, and for more invaluable information on online dating, sign up for the next class scheduled for February 9th and 12th. Attendance is limited so let me know ASAP.)

(Note – If you are a brand new widow, take your time. Healing must be your primary occupation. Filling up the space with a man does not work. Take your time, love yourself, and know that the time will come when you will be ready for new love.)

So, for those of you who are ready, here is a list of some of the dos and don’ts.

• In writing a profile you are engaging the reader in a relationship. This is the first glimpse of you your future date will have. He will learn specifics tidbits about you from your profile.
• He will also learn about you from the energy of your profile. Be aware of how your energy comes through. If you are sad when you write – it will show.
• Make the headline interesting.
• In this era of online dating, you have only seconds to grab his eye – attention spans are short and the hand is quick to click on the next profile.
• Pay attention to the tone of the profile. (Serious, upbeat, witty.) Have the tone of the profile reflect the real you. If you are a serious type, let the profile reflect that. A chatty profile would misrepresent you and he would expect to meet a very different person.
• Tell the truth. But you don’t have to tell everything in a profile.
• Write and re-write. Ask your friends to critique. Remember – it is your introduction and you want it to reflect the best in you.
• Use spell check!
• Make your profile positive. Most Internet dating sites will say, at the beginning of your profile that you are widowed. Therefore you don’t need to talk about your late husband or the fact that you are a widow or the fact that you have been through a lot. That goes without saying. When we talk about loss in a profile it brings the profile down. A sad profile will attract a sad person… and who wants that? You want new relationships to stand on their own rather than to be about your experience of widowhood or his late (or ex) wife.
• Say what you like, not what you don’t like. Or, if you must say what you don’t like, make it work. I.e. classical rather than rock, the Ritz rather than camping! Jane Austin rather than Updike, white wine rather than bud. You get the picture. This way he gets to hear what you don’t like without you sounding negative.
• Or, if you still want to say what you don’t want, simply look for the opposite of what you don’t want (what you do want) and make it positive. I.e. I like a self-motivated man sounds better than I don’t want a beer drinking couch potato!
• Make sure there is some fun in your profile. Dating needs to be fun in order to be successful. Make a little joke that might put a smile on someone’s face.
• Stay away from the ordinary. “I love walks on the beach”, or “I love a glass of wine in front of the fireplace” are rather boring statements. Everyone likes those things. What is a little different about you?  What makes you stand out? So, rather than “I love to XXX,” tell the reader what it is about XXX that you love. I.e. Instead of  “I love hiking” let the reader know what it is about hiking that you love. “Being at the top of a mountain and hearing the wind howl reminds me of how much I treasure the planet”. OK, so maybe that is a little too touchy-feely…but you get the point.
• A sloppy profile will attract someone who doesn’t care about sloppy – and therefore may also be sloppy. If that doesn’t matter to you – fine. But most of us want a man who respects himself enough to be able to clean up with not too much effort.
• Be specific so that by the end of the profile he really knows a few things about you.

When you are done writing and your friends have done a thorough once-over for you, let it rest for a few days. When you go back to it, read it again and make sure that the real you and the best in you shines through. If it does, and you are happy with your profile…go ahead and sign up!

Remember, a profile is just the beginning. There is much to know about what to do when a gentleman, or a not so gentle-man writes you. Dating on the Internet requires a whole new skill set.

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching or if you are interested in learning more about profile writing.
Mie Elmhirst,   The Widow’s Coach  Coaching for Widows,

I had a lovely holiday this year. Nothing really big happened. Anneke and I baked bread, we told each other silly stories about what presents the other was getting, we made soup, went to a movie, hugged a lot and we celebrated our family. Our very small family. We were enough. I had enormous gratitude as I remembered where we were eight and nine years ago, when we were trying to keep our heads above water as we watched our husband/father die, and then as we struggled to learn how to live without him.

But of course, in the midst of all this peace and gratitude, I found myself thinking some disquieting and uninvited thoughts. Similar thoughts have come and gone during the past eight years and to be honest they have finally begun to irritate me.

These unwelcome thoughts are similar to what a 6-year old might think when, after her mother has said ‘no’ to more cookies, she sneaks back to the cookie tin to get yet another and then worries, “Does Mom know?  Does she see me? What does she think?”

As smart and as worldly as I would like to believe I am, when I step out of my self-made box and do something out of character, or spontaneous, or maybe a bit daring, my thinking becomes that of a six year old. But instead of worrying about my mother, my thoughts are about Mike.

“Does he see me? Does he know about ______? What does he think about _____? Or, I hope he is not mad about _____.”

“______” could be anything. It could be about how I discipline our daughter, how I rearrange furniture, how much money I spend on a pair lowish rise jeans, or about the fact that I finally threw away that stupid, stupid can of sausages labeled Porcupine Peckers. (I kid you not, my dear sweet brilliant husband thought it was funny! Had to be a boy thing…)

Of course, if I were to be honest, what I really want to know is what he thinks about how I have ‘done’ widow, and especially my love life.

• What does he think about the fact that I joined match.com?
• What does he think about the various men (especially that motorcycle dude) who asked me out and the fact that I said ‘yes’ to a few of them?
• That I had love again and gave it up?
• And what does he think about the fact that I have a bigger libido now than when we were married? Does he feel gypped?

WHAT DOES HE THINK?????

Why oh why do I still care about his opinion?  (As if he has one…) He is not even here any more, right? Am I afraid at any moment he will yell down at me “Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing, woman???”

Sometimes I think I care because I have this tiny but powerful belief tucked way back in my brain that says that we, Mike and I, were in it together, and now that he is gone it is my responsibility to carry on for the BOTH of us. Most of the time I don’t believe this, but sometimes I do. Most of the time I know that it is my job to live my life rather than the life he did not get to have.

The question “what does Mike think” is tiring because there is no answer that could satisfy. There are only guesses. I can only guess and hope that he is happy with me and with the life I have created. If he is in fact there…

But there is another question. A much more important question. It is this.

If Mike could want something for me, if Mike does want something for me, what is it?

I know the answer to this because I knew my husband’s heart.

Mike would want me to be joyously happy.
He would want me to understand and forgive the mistakes I made before and after he died. And the mistakes I keep on making. My growing pains mistakes.
He would want me to give myself credit for trying to do the right thing. Rather than want credit from him.
Mike would want me, if I had to pay too much money for low-rise jeans, to have fun with them.
He would want me, if I had to date a biker, to have a heck of a time.
Mike would want me to stop worrying about what he thinks.

Above all, Mike would want for me what I want. Mike would want me to deal with my grief, to honor my burning need to grow, to experience and to love. He would want me to celebrate myself every time I get on the stage to speak, and to celebrate every article I write. He might be proud; but more than that, he would want me to be proud. Proud not only of how our daughter has grown up, but of how I have grown up. For I have grown up.

We have a second chance, those of us who are widowed.  A second chance to grow and develop those parts of ourselves that did not grow and develop in our marriages. It will be scary, and we may wonder what he thinks. But in the end, what really matters is what we think.

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching or call 508-540-4421.

Mie Elmhirst, Help for Widows

The Widow’s Coach, The Grief Coach

Who is it, exactly, that you miss? Is it still your husband?

This seems like a very bold question to ask. For those of you who may be in the very raw stages of widowhood, this question is not for you.

This question is for those of you who have been through the worst, and are are still feeling low. It is for those of you who are wondering if you will ever feel better.

So. Who exactly do you miss? I know that on some level you will always miss him. That goes without saying. You may not miss everything about him, (yes – he had flaws!) but there will be a part of you that will always belong to him. Even today, eight years later, and in love with a wonderful man, there are moments when I remember how it felt to have breakfast with my husband, how it felt to be hugged by him, and even how it felt when we disagreed.

Pause a minute and think. Is it still your husband that you really miss? Or has it become something else. There came a time when I realized that the dull ache that just would not go away, the loneliness that always seemed to be right around the corner was less about missing my husband, and more about missing the companionship, affection, and partnership of a real live man. A new man.

At first I worried that somehow by not missing him as much as I had, I was abandoning my husband.

But, we (widows) are social creatures. We want and need to love and to be loved. It makes perfect sense that after a while, (for some sooner and for some later), we are ready to invite love back into our lives.

This is what happens in healthy grieving. The ache for him eventually calms down, becomes less urgent, as we realize that we are still here and he is not, and our desire to live again, really live, begins to take the place of missing him. We are healing.

When I was able to see that I missed Mike less and companionship more, I knew I was ready to date. (OK so, I had already been dating, but quite unsuccessfully, because instead of looking for a true partnership I had been looking for a way to stop missing Mike.)

When I was really ready to date, I began to attract the right kind of man. A man with whom I shared values.

Where are you in this process? Who is it, exactly that you still miss?

www.widowsbreathe.com  Help for widows For a sample coachng session, call 508-540-4421.

Mie Elmhirst,  The Widow’s Coach

This morning a friend of mine, who is also a widow, told me no matter what happened in her life, even if she got married to her new boyfriend, she would always be a widow. “I have a pretty good life, I love my boyfriend, but Frank (late husband) will always be my first love, my true love, my best love, my soul mate. I will love him forever.”

At first glimpse this sounds romantic and loyal, right??? After all, she is probably correct. Once a widow, always a widow.

Technically speaking I am sure that this very definitive statement, for her, is true. However, these claims uttered in love, respect and yearning for our lost husbands conspire to keep us alone and lonely. The more earnestly we insist that what we had was irreplaceable and un-top-able, the deeper we dig ourselves into a hole of loneliness and aloneness. The more stringently we hold on to the belief that we could never again be as happy as we were, the less of a chance at happiness we have.
I have yet to meet even one widow who would not like to love and be loved. Who doesn’t want to be held, to laugh with someone, to cry with someone, or to build a life with a new love? Yes, you might be scared, and yes, it may be too early, or yes, if you are very, very old it might be too late, but we ALL want love.

And when we (widows) use words such as always and never, we decrease our chances of finding new love. We close the door on possibility.
If it is true that my husband Mike was “one of a kind”, meaning he was the best that there was/is, then is it true that I will now have to settle for second best? Who wants that? Not me, that is for sure.

If it is true that “I could never have what I had with him” then am I saying that any relationship I might have in the future will never measure up?
If the “really good men are all taken”, well, why bother trying? Why even date for fun?

When I make such proclamations I limit God. (Spirit of the Universe, Higher power, etc). With such statements, I decide what is and isn’t possible, instead of leaving it to a greater power than I. With such statements, I am letting you know that I believe that what I had was as good as it gets and I should expect only less than that in the future.
I am not suggesting that you and I did not have a gem of a man. We did. We all did. Seriously, when I was first married I was surprised that hordes of women were not banging down my door, trying to get my man. (Ah yes, young and naive.) During our marriage I cultivated appreciation for this very good man. I loved, admired and respected him.

But do you mean to tell me that God (Spirit of the Universe, Higher Power) only makes a finite number of good men? And once you have had one chance at happiness you don’t get to have a 2nd chance? Does this really make sense?
What kind of a God is that? I would have a very hard time praying to a God that parceled out happiness that way.

The Universe is generous to those who are willing to receive. Getting ourselves to that place where although we may still be a widow in name, we are also open to courageous and abundant living, willing to receive; that is the challenge for all of us. It is not as easy as it sounds. How about you? Are you ready?

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.

Mie Elmhirst, The Widow’s Coach