Widows Support, Coaching for Widows

I am trying to write this week’s blog with my new puppy at my feet. She demands instead, that I instead pay attention to her. I pick up one of her many balls and roll it, encouraging her to “gogettheball”. She just waits.  Instead she wants my pant leg. And since I am wearing the last pair of pants without itty-bitty puppy teeth marks in it, I cannot ignore her. I get down on the floor and play. Little Bear asks little of me; she wants to cuddle, play fetch and hopefully, get a treat. The treat I give her is the same puppy food that she gets three times a day but it seems that eating it out of my hand instead of her bowl makes it better. Like when Anneke and I eat pizza on the floor in front of the fireplace. Its just better that eating it at the dining room table.

So, I love my puppy. I know this. I will do anything for her. I loved her the moment I laid my eyes on her. But of course, for most of us, a puppy is not enough. We are social beings. Most of us want some sort of companionship.

How do you know if what you feel for your man is love? You know that it is better than that bone-crushing loneliness you had before you met him.

But is it love? Or is settling, or obsession, or a diversion?

Rather than asking yourself how you feel about him, please ask yourself the most important question of all.

How do you feel about yourself when you are with him.

Do you feel marvelous? Happy to be you? Appreciated and celebrated?

Or do you feel slightly on edge? Anxious. Like you have to prove something. Maybe  you feel that you are just a little bit less than who he wants. Maybe you should wear different clothes or maybe lose a couple of pounds…Or maybe, and this is really a bad thing, he lets you know in a vague sort of way that you don’t quite satisfy him the way a better or sexier woman could. Talk about a spirit killer.  It is mean and cruel, and yet women put up with it.

Do you remember the movie Murphy’s Romance? I saw this movie in 1985, and even back then, with little dating experience, its very simple lesson made sense. Of course I had no idea that it would be useful to me now, in my fifties.

Sally Field’s character becomes friends with an mature, older, and respectful man played by James Garner and eventually there flows an attraction between them.  Yet, when her smooth talking, immature ex-husband returns, she allows him to move in with her again.  He is disruptive and creates chaos in her life as he simultaneously, preys on her sympathies and emotions.

James Garner’s character, watching this transpire, finally has enough and lets her go saying something like ‘when you are ready for a real man… let me know’.

What is a real man? And, is the man you are with, a real man?

This is what I absolutely know about men and real men..

If, when you are with him you feel great about who you are, he is probably a real man. He wants you to feel good. He celebrates this.

If his actions, not just his words, are honest and respectful at all times, then he is probably a real man.

And if, at the same time he also pays attention to his own needs, (he respects himself), He is a Real Man. Pay close attention to this man.

Oi Vey. I finally get it. At 56 years old, I understand the difference between a man playing at being a man, and a real man.

The biggest danger for a widow is that she accepts less that she deserves. Sadly, I did this myself and called it love, and I know a good number of you have done the same. I know this because I speak to you almost every day.

Please call me for a sample coaching session. You have a chance, again, to ask for  and expect…the best.

Warmly, Mie Elmhirst  508-540-4421

The Widow’s Coach

Widows Dating Again Teleclasses…call 508-540-4421

Last night was the start of 4th Widows Dating Again Teleclass. We had fun, some really good belly laughs, and lots of stimulating conversation. I was struck again by how lucky I am to be able to work with this community of young widows.

Because online dating is so enormous, (it is the easiest way to meet like-minded men) I will share just a few tips on writing a really good, attention grabbing profile. For the full dose, and for more invaluable information on online dating, sign up for the next class scheduled for February 9th and 12th. Attendance is limited so let me know ASAP.)

(Note – If you are a brand new widow, take your time. Healing must be your primary occupation. Filling up the space with a man does not work. Take your time, love yourself, and know that the time will come when you will be ready for new love.)

So, for those of you who are ready, here is a list of some of the dos and don’ts.

• In writing a profile you are engaging the reader in a relationship. This is the first glimpse of you your future date will have. He will learn specifics tidbits about you from your profile.
• He will also learn about you from the energy of your profile. Be aware of how your energy comes through. If you are sad when you write – it will show.
• Make the headline interesting.
• In this era of online dating, you have only seconds to grab his eye – attention spans are short and the hand is quick to click on the next profile.
• Pay attention to the tone of the profile. (Serious, upbeat, witty.) Have the tone of the profile reflect the real you. If you are a serious type, let the profile reflect that. A chatty profile would misrepresent you and he would expect to meet a very different person.
• Tell the truth. But you don’t have to tell everything in a profile.
• Write and re-write. Ask your friends to critique. Remember – it is your introduction and you want it to reflect the best in you.
• Use spell check!
• Make your profile positive. Most Internet dating sites will say, at the beginning of your profile that you are widowed. Therefore you don’t need to talk about your late husband or the fact that you are a widow or the fact that you have been through a lot. That goes without saying. When we talk about loss in a profile it brings the profile down. A sad profile will attract a sad person… and who wants that? You want new relationships to stand on their own rather than to be about your experience of widowhood or his late (or ex) wife.
• Say what you like, not what you don’t like. Or, if you must say what you don’t like, make it work. I.e. classical rather than rock, the Ritz rather than camping! Jane Austin rather than Updike, white wine rather than bud. You get the picture. This way he gets to hear what you don’t like without you sounding negative.
• Or, if you still want to say what you don’t want, simply look for the opposite of what you don’t want (what you do want) and make it positive. I.e. I like a self-motivated man sounds better than I don’t want a beer drinking couch potato!
• Make sure there is some fun in your profile. Dating needs to be fun in order to be successful. Make a little joke that might put a smile on someone’s face.
• Stay away from the ordinary. “I love walks on the beach”, or “I love a glass of wine in front of the fireplace” are rather boring statements. Everyone likes those things. What is a little different about you?  What makes you stand out? So, rather than “I love to XXX,” tell the reader what it is about XXX that you love. I.e. Instead of  “I love hiking” let the reader know what it is about hiking that you love. “Being at the top of a mountain and hearing the wind howl reminds me of how much I treasure the planet”. OK, so maybe that is a little too touchy-feely…but you get the point.
• A sloppy profile will attract someone who doesn’t care about sloppy – and therefore may also be sloppy. If that doesn’t matter to you – fine. But most of us want a man who respects himself enough to be able to clean up with not too much effort.
• Be specific so that by the end of the profile he really knows a few things about you.

When you are done writing and your friends have done a thorough once-over for you, let it rest for a few days. When you go back to it, read it again and make sure that the real you and the best in you shines through. If it does, and you are happy with your profile…go ahead and sign up!

Remember, a profile is just the beginning. There is much to know about what to do when a gentleman, or a not so gentle-man writes you. Dating on the Internet requires a whole new skill set.

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching or if you are interested in learning more about profile writing.
Mie Elmhirst,   The Widow’s Coach  Coaching for Widows,

This morning a friend of mine, who is also a widow, told me no matter what happened in her life, even if she got married to her new boyfriend, she would always be a widow. “I have a pretty good life, I love my boyfriend, but Frank (late husband) will always be my first love, my true love, my best love, my soul mate. I will love him forever.”

At first glimpse this sounds romantic and loyal, right??? After all, she is probably correct. Once a widow, always a widow.

Technically speaking I am sure that this very definitive statement, for her, is true. However, these claims uttered in love, respect and yearning for our lost husbands conspire to keep us alone and lonely. The more earnestly we insist that what we had was irreplaceable and un-top-able, the deeper we dig ourselves into a hole of loneliness and aloneness. The more stringently we hold on to the belief that we could never again be as happy as we were, the less of a chance at happiness we have.
I have yet to meet even one widow who would not like to love and be loved. Who doesn’t want to be held, to laugh with someone, to cry with someone, or to build a life with a new love? Yes, you might be scared, and yes, it may be too early, or yes, if you are very, very old it might be too late, but we ALL want love.

And when we (widows) use words such as always and never, we decrease our chances of finding new love. We close the door on possibility.
If it is true that my husband Mike was “one of a kind”, meaning he was the best that there was/is, then is it true that I will now have to settle for second best? Who wants that? Not me, that is for sure.

If it is true that “I could never have what I had with him” then am I saying that any relationship I might have in the future will never measure up?
If the “really good men are all taken”, well, why bother trying? Why even date for fun?

When I make such proclamations I limit God. (Spirit of the Universe, Higher power, etc). With such statements, I decide what is and isn’t possible, instead of leaving it to a greater power than I. With such statements, I am letting you know that I believe that what I had was as good as it gets and I should expect only less than that in the future.
I am not suggesting that you and I did not have a gem of a man. We did. We all did. Seriously, when I was first married I was surprised that hordes of women were not banging down my door, trying to get my man. (Ah yes, young and naive.) During our marriage I cultivated appreciation for this very good man. I loved, admired and respected him.

But do you mean to tell me that God (Spirit of the Universe, Higher Power) only makes a finite number of good men? And once you have had one chance at happiness you don’t get to have a 2nd chance? Does this really make sense?
What kind of a God is that? I would have a very hard time praying to a God that parceled out happiness that way.

The Universe is generous to those who are willing to receive. Getting ourselves to that place where although we may still be a widow in name, we are also open to courageous and abundant living, willing to receive; that is the challenge for all of us. It is not as easy as it sounds. How about you? Are you ready?

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.

Mie Elmhirst, The Widow’s Coach

Why is dating (and I really mean dating, rather than settling in to a long term relationship) so important for a widow? Why shouldn’t she just go and find her second Mr. Right?

Well, think back to when you were sixteen. Or eighteen.

Or better yet – think about your daughters when they were teenagers. Do you remember what you wanted for them? I bet that you were not eager for them to fall in love with the first or second fellow they dated. I bet that you wanted them to take time, to have fun, to experience life, to learn what it was like to date all kinds of boys.

I have a fifteen-year-old daughter – and you had better believe that I want her to experience dating many boys before she latches on to one and settles down. Many. She may think she knows who she is (and most girls do think they are very self-aware) but as a grown up, you have a more mature perspective. You are able to see that she still has a great deal to learn about herself, about men, and about healthy relationship. You understand that she still needs to find herself.

She needs to experiment. She needs to figure out who she is, what kind of boy or man is right for her, and she needs to learn how to hold on to the essence of herself while she is in relationship before she makes any decision or commitment. And the way that she does this is to date around. (Notice that I did NOT say ‘sleep around’.)

The same holds true for you as a widow.

As a widow, you are changed. Everything about you changed the moment your husband died. Everything. What you used to enjoy, you may no longer enjoy. The friends you used had when you were part of a couple may no longer be the people with whom you choose to spend your time. The kind of man you used to find exciting may no longer excite you. Your sensitivities may have changed. Your values may have changed. Even your tastes may have changed.

When my husband died I began to paint my house – and what emerged was a home that was very different from the home that he and I had shared and decorated together. Not better, just different. The changes in my environment reflected the changes that were happening inside me. So in addition to doing the grief work that must be done, you need time to emerge as the new person you are becoming.

It takes a long time to get re-grounded in this new you. The discovery process takes time. This is one of the reasons my clients hire me.

When you are ready to date, (and the process of getting ready to date takes a good deal of time – don’t rush it) see it as a learning process, an experimentation, or an exploration.

Dating allows you to explore. You get to experiment with different activities…(I just went to my first baseball game fully expecting to be bored out of my mind – I was not!). You get to experiment with setting boundaries. (If you don’t want to kiss on the first, second, third, or fourth date – great! Tell him.) You get to experiment with different types of men. The strong silent type, good communicator, wears-his-heart-on-his sleeve, fun-loving, athletic, irreverent, blue collar, professorial, scientific…(my favorite).

Again, widowhood has changed you. So it stands to reason that the type of man you will want to be with has changed, at least a little. When we date we get to see ourselves reflected in the gentleman we choose, and we gradually learn who we are, what matters to us, and then, what kind of man we really want, rather that what kind of man we think we should want.

Eventually, after a significant period of dating and exploration, most women wake up one day and simply declare a moratorium on dating. They understand that they have learned what they needed to learn, and they are now ready for Mr. Right. They are no longer willing to date men simply to explore. When that happens, you will know who you are, who you want, and you will be ready to connect for real. You will be ready for commitment.

Mie Elmhirst. The Widow’s Coach

Please visit www.widowsbreathe.com or click on ‘contact’ for more information about one-on-one coaching.