Support for Widows

If You Believe You Are Ready to Date… but… Learn the important things to know about dating - from the comfort of your living room.

Who is this class for?

For those women who feel they are ready to talk about dating…

For those women who have begun to date and can’t figure out why finding a good man is so hard…

For those women who have waited a long time after the loss of their husband and now are terrified…

For those who are interested in Internet Dating…

And most importantly, for those women who are ready for some fun and laughter!

When: Next Class JANUARY 5th and JANUARY 12th 6:00 PM-7:30 PM EST 2009!!!

How do I sign up? :  This class will be over the telephone - a teleclass. When you call (508-540-4421) to sign up Mie will give you the conference call number, and teleclass instructions.

How much: $125 payable by check or credit card prior to the first class. Payment will save you a space.

What will you get? Handouts, How to’s, homework, (now don’t get nervous…) support, and LOTS of information. The Real Deal.

CALL 508-540-4421. Or, contact me through this website and let me know that you are interested. I will call you back to confirm. Please sign up early - space will be limited.

You will find that this time well spent - and you will wish you took the class years ago!

Multiple classes will be scheduled if needed.

Six participants Maximum.

Who is it, exactly, that you miss? Is it still your husband?

This seems like a very bold question to ask. For those of you who may be in the very raw stages of widowhood, this question is not for you.

This question is for those of you who have been through the worst, and are are still feeling low. It is for those of you who are wondering if you will ever feel better.

So. Who exactly do you miss? I know that on some level you will always miss him. That goes without saying. You may not miss everything about him, (yes - he had flaws!) but there will be a part of you that will always belong to him. Even today, eight years later, and in love with a wonderful man, there are moments when I remember how it felt to have breakfast with my husband, how it felt to be hugged by him, and even how it felt when we disagreed.

Pause a minute and think. Is it still your husband that you really miss? Or has it become something else. There came a time when I realized that the dull ache that just would not go away, the loneliness that always seemed to be right around the corner was less about missing my husband, and more about missing the companionship, affection, and partnership of a real live man. A new man.

At first I worried that somehow by not missing him as much as I had, I was abandoning my husband.

But, we are social creatures. We want and need to love and to be loved. It makes perfect sense that after a while, (for some sooner and for some later), we are ready to invite love back into our lives.

This is what happens in healthy grieving. The ache for him eventually calms down, becomes less urgent, as we realize that we are still here and he is not, and our desire to live again, really live, begins to take the place of missing him.

When I was able to see that I missed Mike less and companionship more, I knew I was ready to date. (OK so, I had already been dating, but quite unsuccessfully, because instead of looking for a true partnership I had been looking for a way to stop missing Mike.)

When I was really ready to date, I began to attract the right kind of man. A man with whom I shared values.

Where are you in this process? Who is it, exactly that you still miss?

This morning a friend of mine, who is also a widow, told me no matter what happened in her life, even if she got married to her new boyfriend, she would always be a widow. “I have a pretty good life, I love my boyfriend, but Frank (late husband) will always be my first love, my true love, my best love, my soul mate. I will love him forever.”

At first glimpse this sounds romantic and loyal, right??? After all, she is probably correct. Once a widow, always a widow.

Technically speaking I am sure that this very definitive statement, for her, is true. However, these claims uttered in love, respect and yearning for our lost husbands conspire to keep us alone and lonely. The more earnestly we insist that what we had was irreplaceable and un-top-able, the deeper we dig ourselves into a hole of loneliness and aloneness. The more stringently we hold on to the belief that we could never again be as happy as we were, the less of a chance at happiness we have.
I have yet to meet even one widow who would not like to love and be loved. Who doesn’t want to be held, to laugh with someone, to cry with someone, or to build a life with a new love? Yes, you might be scared, and yes, it may be too early, or yes, if you are very, very old it might be too late, but we ALL want love.

And when we use words such as always and never, we decrease our chances of finding new love. We close the door on possibility.
If it is true that my husband Mike was “one of a kind”, meaning he was the best that there was/is, then is it true that I will now have to settle for second best? Who wants that? Not me, that is for sure.

If it is true that “I could never have what I had with him” then am I saying that any relationship I might have in the future will never measure up?
If the “really good men are all taken”, well, why bother trying?

When I make such proclamations I limit God. (Spirit of the Universe, Higher power, etc). With such statements, I decide what is and isn’t possible, instead of leaving it to a greater power than I. With such statements, I am letting you know that I believe that what I had was as good as it gets and I should expect only less than that in the future.
I am not suggesting that you and I did not have a gem of a man. We did. We all did. Seriously, when I was first married I was surprised that hordes of women were not banging down my door, trying to get my man. (Ah yes, young and naive.) During our marriage I cultivated appreciation for this very good man. I loved, admired and respected him.

But do you mean to tell me that God (Spirit of the Universe, Higher Power) only makes a finite number of good men? And once you have had one chance at happiness you don’t get to have a 2nd chance? Does this really make sense?
What kind of a God is that? I would have a very hard time praying to a God that parceled out happiness that way.

The Universe is generous to those who are willing to receive. Getting ourselves to that place where although we may still be a widow in name, we are also open to courageous and abundant living, willing to receive; that is the challenge for all of us. It is not as easy as it sounds. How about you? Are you ready?

Early widowhood was really the first time in my life that I gave myself permission to just let it all hang out, to stop worrying about what everyone else thought.

I gave myself permission for two reasons; the first was that even if I hadn’t given myself permission I would have blubbered all over the place anyway, so why not just make it OK.

The second reason was that I knew deep inside, if I tried to hold in my tears to prevent either others or myself from feeling bad, the opposite would happen. I would feel worse. Healing cannot be sped up but it most assuredly can be slowed. And this was one experience I did not want to slow.

So, I cried and I cried and I cried. I thought I would never stop. I cried at the grocery store, the lumber store, and the dog groomer, with my neighbors, my daughters principal, and the dishwasher fix-it man. I cried everywhere and with anyone. There were many days when I applied and re-applied my make up at least five times before lunch. Eventually, I just gave up and looked bad.
Who cared?

My coach assured me that every tear I shed was one less tear I would need to shed in the future so I welcomed them all.  My tears gave my daughter Anneke permission to do the same. She was seven years old, so her grieving was done in short, 2-3 minute segments, but grieve she did. The second reason was that I knew deep inside, if I tried to hold in my tears to prevent either others or myself from feeling bad, the opposite would happen. I would feel worse. Healing cannot be sped up but it most assuredly can be slowed. And this was one experience I did not want to slow.

One day, her best friend Timmy followed her into the house right after I had had my 10:00 AM melt down. He looked at me, horrified, as I lay flopped on the couch, in my nightgown, eyes read and swollen, copious amounts of snot coming out of my nose; at least 20 used Kleenex at my feet. Yes, grief is messy. Messy in every way.

Anneke, having seen much worse from me, said to her young friend, “Oh, don’t worry, that’s just my mom crying about my Dad. Wanna make a tent under the table?”

I mean really. What’s not to love? Anneke did her grieving in the early evenings, in my arms, when she was secure in the fact that I could be present to her tears, not lost in mine.

I was sure, in the very beginning, that someone/something must have invented the 10:00 PM - 2:00 AM hours as a special torture for new widows. I was my most hopeless late at night and I prayed for early mornings and a coffee machine that worked. Caffeine, (only one cup but I drank it in minutes like a full-blown addict) helped me forget the terrors of the night before and look on the new day with less fear, forgetting momentarily that 10:00 PM would come again, as it did every night. The daytime hours were not easy either but Anneke, my work, meditation (and Oprah!) gave me enough structure to make it through one day at a time until eventually I could see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and realize that joy was again going to be a daily companion.

If you are a new widow, keep in mind that it ALL PASSES. Eventually you will feel better.

“Help! What am I doing wrong! The men I contact don’t write back, or they keep me wondering with vague promises of phone calls or just want to talk about their dead wife!”

Again this morning I received a call from a young widow frustrated by her internet dating experience. I have been there. My husband Mike died 12/2000 and it was approximately two years later that I made my first forays into internet dating. Boy did I have a lot to learn. But, learn I did, and many of my conversations with clients now have to do with relationships and how to navigate them.

When a woman who has been married for many years and then widowed, finally and courageously acknowledges that she again wants to find love, she encounters a very changed dating world. Internet dating, for the unprepared woman, can be daunting. The numbers alone are astounding. Where else are there so many men who seemingly could be Mr. Right? The good news is that the statistics alone demonstrate that it is quite possible to meet your partner on the Internet. It happens every day.

Internet Dating can be very rewarding.

But remember, Internet dating is not for the faint of heart.

With internet dating the tone of a relationship gets set very early. Relationships start with the very first email.

Just as my client alleged, there are certain scenarios that often shock a women who is new to Internet dating. For example:

• She might reach out to a gentleman with a well-constructed, warm, thoughtful, maybe even humorous email. He might simply ignore it.
• She might think that she has a nice email interchange going with a potential date (who she may think might be Mr. Right) yet he will suddenly cease communication without explanation. Gone.
• Her email contact might wait a very long time before suggesting a phone call and then after that long awaited call, he may never call back. Gone again.

This can be very disheartening for someone who does not yet understand how to go about internet dating. It is here where many women say “The heck with this internet stuff. I would rather be alone!!!”

But wait. You know you want love in your life. You had it before and you want it again. So, before you throw in the towel…

The world of Internet dating is simply a reflection of the larger world outside of the Internet. You will find good men, and also inconsiderate men. You will find responsible men and you will find irresponsible men. You will find are men who are ready to commit, and you will find a good number of men who are in it just for the chase. You will find polite men, and impolite men. You will find scientists and lawyers and carpenters, artists, and retirees, and accountants. You will also find unemployed men looking for a free ride.

The men you find on your computer are just like the men you meet in the grocery store. Some you will want to date and some you will not.

Think of internet dating like the windshield of an automobile. Behind the windshield, some people behave in a manner that most of us find rude and inconsiderate. (Cutting cars off, yelling obscenities, the bird…) And yet in person, most of these people would not exhibit those same behaviors. The internet is like that. Men (and women) forget that the person on the other end of their computer is real and has feelings and is hurt by inconsiderate behavior. Even though we can understand why these men behave in this manner – we don’t want to date them.

So…what to do?

Women must be discerning. Pay attention to your intuition. If you are paying attention, close attention, you can see who a man is very early. Even in the emailing stage. Profiles and emails must be read carefully. They are full of information (more than whether he likes to travel or if he owns a boat) and most of it is between the lines.

If he is not open and forthcoming when he is emailing you, he will be even less so in real life. If he says he will call at 7:00 and then doesn’t call until 9:00, pay attention. If he is not considerate in his emailing and telephoning, he will be even less so in real life. In this age of cell phones and texting a gentleman can always given you a heads-up if he is delayed. Does he call at hours that are considerate of your life style? If he always calls at 11:00 PM, this is probably not a good thing.

If he does not answer an email within a day or two (and he is not ill or traveling,) let him go. He is obviously not interested in you and any more effort on your part to grab his attention is wasted. If you ‘go after’ a man you are setting a pattern for your future relationship. You will always have to ‘go after’ him and you will probably end up doing most of the work of the relationship. If you don’t mind that, fine, go ahead and get him. But if you want a relationship where you share the balance of the work, let him do his share from the start.

If you email a response to him and he does not email you back, release him. He is not interested in getting to know you more, so don’t bother. He is not for you. You want someone who just can’t wait to get to know you.

If he stops communication suddenly, let him go. Would you really want to date someone who is not willing to say good-bye in a respectful manner? (Hopefully your answer is ‘no!’.)

If he spends the first date talking about his ex-wife or his late wife, pay attention. He is not over them and will not be available for a relationship with you. He may be a wonderful person – but he is just not ready.

(I hope it goes without saying that it is our job as women also to be respectful. Take the time to say at the very least, when you are ending an email communication because you have paid attention to your intuition and have noticed a red flag… “Thank you for the communication but I don’t think we are a match”. It is just good karma to do this. My strong suggestion is to not tell a man what you think is ‘wrong’ with him. This is not helpful and just continues a non-working relationship. Save that conversation for your girlfriends. )

Remember – it is not about how much a man likes you – but rather, Is he good for you. He can be CRAZY about you, but if he is not good for you, let him go.

So, rather than “Will he like me?” ask yourself “Is he good for me?” Because only if he is good for you will you have a successful relationship.

If you are dating on the internet (or anywhere), you must be secure in the knowledge that you are a catch. Truly. No, we don’t all look like Christy Brinkley. (But then again, we have seen that good looks do not insure a good relationship!)

I am 54 years old…and I look it. Yes, I take care of myself but when I look in the mirror, (and I need my magnifying glasses to do this) many, many wrinkles smile back at me.

Although I no longer look youthful, I know that I am a catch, simply because of who I am. The blend of characteristics that make me who I am include bright, slightly clumsy, funny, talkative, shy, eccentric, neurotic (afraid of travel and public speaking although I do both), addicted to chocolate and compulsive about my environment. And, much more. Put it all together and you have me. Not bad.

The same goes for you. Your very special blend of qualities makes you the fabulous person with whom someone will eventually fall in love.

Believe it or not I have had women debate this with me, as if they want to prove me wrong and get me to agree that they are not fabulous and not a great catch. (”I have 4 kids, a flat chest, and jiggly thighs…who would want that?” Answer - The right man. That’s who. It really is that simple.)

If a woman is in any way desperate for attention, she will mistakenly connect with men who are not really the kind of men who deserve to date her. Rather than wait for the man she knows is right she will settle for the man who is simply available. This is dangerous. She makes herself vulnerable to a man who may not treat her well.

Of course there men who find me just a tad ‘too much’. (Too neurotic, too clumsy etc.) That is fine. I don’t worry about them because they are simply not for me. Yes, there will be men who don’t like jiggly thighs. Fine. These men are not for you. The man who comes to love you will be the man who sees who you are and just can’t get enough of you. Your thighs will be a moot point! They are part of you and he will love them. He will see the real you.

Once you really understand that you are a Catch you must decide how you are going to behave when receiving emails. Are you willing to say ‘no thank you’? Even though he has a boat and lives close by?
Decide on a standard of behavior for YOURSELF from which you will not deviate.

My standard (after a few mistakes) went something like this. “I will say a polite no thank you if I have any sort of doubt. Any sort of uh-oh feeling, even if I can’t substantiate it. I will remind myself often that I am looking for a stand-up kind of man. Considerate, kind, intelligent, and respectful above all. (And much more but those were the basics.)

Pay attention to the feeling you have when you read a profile. Just because you both like horses doesn’t mean you are made for each other. There are plenty of jerks who like horses! What do you feel when you email back and forth? And then with each next step…what do you feel? Do you feel that he is paying attention and yet not smothering? And when you finally talk on the phone, what do you feel? Again, I am not asking if you like him, I am asking you to pay attention to that still quiet voice inside of you that always tells the truth.

The internet is full of eligible men. All kinds of men. Some of these men behave in ways that will make you feel wonderful. These men will see the wonderful person that you are. They will want to get to know you. They will email you when they say they will, they will call when they say they will, they will take you out (and pay), they will travel many miles in order to get to see you. These are honorable men.

But there are also men who will behave in ways that make you feel small and insignificant. They will not respond to emails within a day or two. They will keep you wondering. They will promise a call and days later tell you that something came up.

How will you behave with these men?

The men who are clearly OK, great. Go for it. Have fun. That is what dating is all about.

But for the men who elicit that uh-oh feeling… will you hang in there? Giving 2nd and 3rd chances? Or will you honor that uh-oh feeling and let them go? Are you willing to say ‘no’ when it feels a little fishy? Because, if it feel fishy, it probably is fishy.

Keep your bar high.

When I was involved in internet dating my standard not only included some Real Basics such as no motorcycles (I already buried one husband) no tattoos (I just don’t like them, sorry Sandra Bullock) no obvious displays of money in his profile (I don’t have anything against money – in fact I like it - but I don’t like it when men use it to get dates) and I prefer men who have graduate or post graduate educations. (In order to have a successful relationship I need my intellect to be matched.) But there was much more. For instance…

• If a man did not email me back after a maximum of 2 days, and I knew he was in the country and had access to email, I let him go. And no second chances. Why would I give a man a second chance to make me feel bad?
• If I detected anything slightly off-putting he didn’t get a date with me. (I.e. An ego too big to handle.) If he is off-putting in early dating it only gets worse.
• If I had any indication that he was anything less than very honest, he didn’t get to date me.
• If he was in any way disrespectful toward others, including his ex-wife, we did not meet. I figured that if he was disrespectful toward others he was capable of the same toward me.
• If I felt good from his emails and telephone calls, we met. If I didn’t feel good, we didn’t meet.
• If he was willing to travel to see me, (come to my town) he got to meet me. If he asked me to meet him halfway or in his town, because he was so very busy, we did not meet. I was also busy, AND I was a single parent. I am not saying that busy is bad. I am saying that if he could not make the time for me, he was not right for me. Simple.
• If he respected my boundaries, (because I had a child I could not be spontaneous) we met. If that was too hard for him, we were wrong for each other and we did not meet.

I know that many readers will consider the above harsh. My reason for such a high bar is simple.

I made a mistake once, when I ignored that little soft voice inside me and I let a man have premature access to my heart. And just that one time I was hurt when he turned out not to be the good man I so wanted him to be. I ignored that little small voice inside of me that from the start had been clamoring for me to pay attention and be careful just, because I desperately wanted him to be Mr. Right. Hmmm.

Move ahead with men who demonstrate in some way that they are respectful of you and your time and your boundaries.

Date men who deserve to be with you. Men who really want to learn about you or to be with you for who you are and who make you feel really good.

Too many women spend time trying to get men interested in them. They ignore the obvious. If you have to work to get him to want to be with you – he is wrong for you. It is a waste your time.

Don’t bother to complain about the men who are not right for you. Release them to the universe and direct your attention to the perhaps quieter more fabulous-than-ever men who really want to get to know you. There are plenty of them. Simply block the others from communication so that the men staring up at you from your screen are the special few who you are giving a chance. You want good energy on your computer screen. Energy filled with the possibility of love. Not the kind of energy that makes you feel you need to work at being liked.

And please don’t buy into the fear that there are SO few women and SO many men. All you really need in the end is one good man. In the meantime, do date and have fun. And remember, if it is not fun, let him go and move to the next.

And yes, I did find love on match.com. (-:

Who knew how hard it would be to ask for help? Or, how important it would be? I learned the answers to these questions Christmas of 2000, two weeks after Mike died.

Christmas morning my seven-year-old daughter received from Daddy/Santa a model of a robot-arm. Mike’s idea behind this present was that he and Anneke would make a project of assembling it and in the process, Anneke would learn all sorts of real neat things about screwdrivers, wires and batteries etc. It was to be a bonding experience; they would grow closer, and she would learn those things that I could not teach. Great idea, in theory.

So Mike died and there we were, Anneke and I, with this robot arm. Or rather, the many unrecognizable components of the robot arm. (What had he been he thinking? This gift had not been my idea.) And yet, like most newly single mothers, I desperately wanted to be a good parent to my child, especially now that she had lost her Daddy. I had the somewhat distorted idea that I should now be mother AND father. So this robot arm assembly was something that I should not only tackle, but also complete successfully and triumphantly. Like a man.

On the other hand - I remember looking at the box filled with of what seemed like a million and a half parts and thinking that that there was no way that I was going to be able to pull it off. No Way. And, that this must be some sort of cosmic joke. Payback for all of those little household tasks that Mike had completed and for which I had not been adequately grateful.

But my daughter’s beautiful blue eyes looked up at me, full of both hope and fear. Hope that I could still be her mummy who would be there for her no matter what and fear that I might just dissolve in my tears and disappear in my heartache.

So I mustered my courage and declared that yes, we would indeed put this thing together. Not only would we assemble the robot arm but also the successful completion would serve as proof that we would be OK. It would be a sign. A sign that Anneke and I would not be defeated by the loss of our beloved father and husband. It became a point of honor for both of us - a sort of ‘we against the odds’ that we put it together and do it without outside help. I brought up a large worktable from the basement and put it in the middle of the living room, ready to receive the millions of itty-bitty parts and the book of directions that seemed thicker than the Bible.

Now, Anneke and I had (and still have) very similar temperaments. Prior to this we had not done well on projects we’d attempted together, possibly with the exception of baking Betty Crocker brownies. Hence, our first step was to make some agreements. My hope was that these agreements would insure not only a completed robot but also an intact relationship. The following agreements were taped to the living room wall.

1. This was going to be fun (damn it).
2. We would not ask for help (damn it). (Okay, I left out the ‘damn its’ - she was only seven.)
3. If either one of us was to get hot under the collar, we would both walk away until the next day when we would be calm enough to try again.
4. We would only work on it as a team.

Weeks passed. Between tears and everything else that needed to be dealt with, we found time almost every day for our robot. Seemingly, all went well. The robot was finally completed. It was time to push the buttons and make it do what it was meant to do. Pick up stuff.

Anneke pushed the button. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. How can this be? “Try again. Push it really hard.” Nothing. “Come on Anneke, REALLY push it.” Lots of quiet. Anneke did not look well. As a matter of fact, she looked scared. We were supposed to be able to do this, and we were supposed to be able to do it without help. If we couldn’t put together a simple a robot arm, how would we make it as a family? Were we doomed?

Finally, and very meekly, “May I call Dan?” I asked. I could tell by Anneke’s expression that she thought this was a very good idea. Dan was our neighbor who could do anything, and I mean anything. I made the call, and he was over inside a minute. He did the troubleshooting for our robot in two minutes, and our robot was picking up stuff in three. Anneke was happier than happy.

My enormous lesson was this. Asking for help did not diminished Anneke’s sense of accomplishment one little bit. Nor mine. This is key. Asking for help does not diminish you. When you ask for help, everything becomes easier, there is less pressure, less fear and shared responsibility. You are not in it alone. For the most part, people are happy to help. They just need to be asked, and they need to be given specific tasks. If you think there is no one to ask, I’ll bet there is. That old fellow down the street you never really spoke to, a teacher at school, the teenager across the way.

Asking for help requires that you let go of what others think of you. Asking for help is a courageous act. Model this for your children. Who knows when they might really need help? The more willing they are to ask for help, the more they will understand their own need to offer help when they are able. They will realize the blessings of giving and receiving. Yes, you may have been brought up to be independent. We live in a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps country. That does not mean it is necessarily right.

If you are getting offers of help, great. Take all the help you can get. If people are not offering help, don’t wait for them to offer. And don’t bother being mad that they didn’t think to ask. It is a waste of your precious energy. No one knows what you are going through. They don’t understand because they have not had the experience. They can’t understand it. You may not like it, but it is your responsibility to ask for help. Go after it.

When a wonderful woman eventually who became my client was considering hiring me as her coach, she asked me an interesting question. She asked me about closure. Did such a thing exist after the loss of one’s husband? And saying good-bye. Did I think it necessary to say good-bye?
When I am asked a question such as this I usually refer back to my own experience of loss (my mother and my husband) and to what I have learned from my amazing clients.

Contrary to what many people who have suffered loss believe, there is such a thing as closure. However…. closure is not what many think it is; a neat and tidy wrap…an end of emotion, memories or love. Closure is not something that just happens. It is not instant happiness.

Closure is when we are at peace with our memories - the ones that feel good and the ones that don’t. Closure happens when our memories cease to rule us and cease to rule our behavior. It is when we can accept that we were at times terrific wives, and at times lousy wives. Closure is when we can accept that we made mistakes that hurt him…that we made mistakes that hurt ourselves. Closure is about acceptance of our husbands…who were sometimes unbelievably sweet and kind and generous - and sometimes, not. Closure means that we have come to terms with our marriages - what they were and what they were not. Closure is when we can go anywhere on earth without being afraid of the memories of our previous lives that are linked to that spot. Most importantly, closure means that we are willing and able to live in the present moment rather than the pain of the past - that we are free to discover what gifts await us. Closure is not something that I can ‘do’ or something that I can grab on to. It is the result of doing the work of grief.

The first two years after my husband Mike died were of course, the most difficult years of my life. I would have done ANYTHING to feel better. I begged God for relief. You know the feeling, right? Where you think you could drink radiator fluid if you thought that would help? The solution to these feelings, I decided, was to say good-bye. If I did that, I reasoned, I would be able to get on with my life.

Something concrete, I was sure, would put an end to my depression and sadness. I went to the lighthouse where he and I used to go and I read him a heart-felt letter of good-bye. Yet, a week later I was back to where I started. Still sad and lonely.

After a few more attempts during the next few years, (more letters, purging of his papers, walks where we used to spend time together…) I discovered that my multiple good-byes were just unsuccessful attempts to get rid of difficult feelings. Attempts at rushing a process that could not be rushed. They did not work. At least not in the way that I wanted them to work.

Yet, not to be deterred, I did not stop my good-byes. Periodically I felt the need again to say good-bye. What I eventually discovered was that little by little, these small good-byes were in fact useful. I was letting go of Mike, step by step. The goodbyes were not getting rid of pain - but they were little milestones. Each good-bye was an indication that I was willing to let go, even if only a little bit, of my surprisingly tight grip onto pain. My last good-bye I said with the loving guidance of my coach and it was my most most poignant goodbye. In my last goodbye I let Mike know that I was no longer going to turn to him for help - that I was going to release him. I asked him to continue to look out for our then 13 year old…she would still need him. I told him that I was OK and that I would now go for my spiritual help to God. Mike would now be free to help others as I knew he would want. I let Mike know that he no longer needed to worry about me. I told him that I was now ready for new love, a permanent relationship. I thanked him for his love.

The impact of this last letting go was electric. My life began to open up and, predictably, I became willing again to let go and love once again. I was finally willing to live fully again.

Where are you in this process? What is the work you have left to do? What still feels incomplete?

Why is dating (and I really mean dating, rather than settling in to a long term relationship) so important for a widow? Why shouldn’t she just go and find her second Mr. Right?

Well, think back to when you were sixteen. Or eighteen.

Or better yet – think about your daughters when they were teenagers. Do you remember what you wanted for them? I bet that you were not eager for them to fall in love with the first or second fellow they dated. I bet that you wanted them to take time, to have fun, to experience life, to learn what it was like to date all kinds of boys.

I have a fifteen-year-old daughter – and you had better believe that I want her to experience dating many boys before she latches on to one and settles down. Many. She may think she knows who she is (and most girls do think they are very self-aware) but as a grown up, you have a more mature perspective. You are able to see that she still has a great deal to learn about herself, about men, and about healthy relationship. You understand that she still needs to find herself.

She needs to experiment. She needs to figure out who she is, what kind of boy or man is right for her, and she needs to learn how to hold on to the essence of herself while she is in relationship before she makes any decision or commitment. And the way that she does this is to date around. (Notice that I did NOT say ‘sleep around’.)

The same holds true for you as a widow.

As a widow, you are changed. Everything about you changed the moment your husband died. Everything. What you used to enjoy, you may no longer enjoy. The friends you used had when you were part of a couple may no longer be the people with whom you choose to spend your time. The kind of man you used to find exciting may no longer excite you. Your sensitivities may have changed. Your values may have changed. Even your tastes may have changed.

When my husband died I began to paint my house – and what emerged was a home that was very different from the home that he and I had shared and decorated together. Not better, just different. The changes in my environment reflected the changes that were happening inside me. So in addition to doing the grief work that must be done, you need time to emerge as the new person you are becoming.

It takes a long time to get re-grounded in this new you. The discovery process takes time. This is why some of my clients hire me.

When you are ready to date, (and the process of getting ready to date takes a good deal of time – don’t rush it) see it as a learning process, an experimentation, or an exploration.

Dating allows you to explore. You get to experiment with different activities…(I just went to my first baseball game fully expecting to be bored out of my mind – I was not!). You get to experiment with setting boundaries. (If you don’t want to kiss on the first, second, third, or fourth date – great! Tell him.) You get to experiment with different types of men. The strong silent type, good communicator, wears-his-heart-on-his sleeve, fun-loving, athletic, irreverent, blue collar, professorial, scientific…(my favorite).

You have changed. So it stands to reason that the type of man you will want to be with has changed. When we date we get to see ourselves reflected in the gentleman we choose, and we gradually learn who we are, what matters to us, and then, what kind of man we really want, rather that what kind of man we think we should want.

Eventually, after a significant period of dating and exploration, most women wake up one day and simply declare a moratorium on dating. They understand that they have learned what they needed to learn, and they are now ready for Mr. Right. They are no longer willing to date men simply to explore. When that happens, you will know who you are, who you want, and you will be ready to connect for real. You will be ready for commitment.

Mie Elmhirst. Widowsbreathe.com

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